Lucky for all of you egg-free people, I’ve been experimenting more with egg-free baking these days than normal.  So I came up with a very yummy cookie that is egg-free, grain-free, gluten and wheat-free, dairy-free, and sugar free.  Yay!  I didn’t get a good picture of the actual cookies but you can see Elijah was enjoying his!

Cinnamon Walnut Raisin Egg-free Cookie Recipe (wheat, gluten, grain, sugar, and dairy free)

1 1/2 cups nut flour – I tried them with both almond and pecan flour and both are tasty

1/4 cup coconut oil, melted (you can use melted butter too)

1/4 cup honey or other sweetener of choice

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 tsp baking soda (delete for GAPS)

2 heaping tablespoons nut butter

1/4 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 cup chopped walnuts

1/2 cup raisins or currants

1/4 cup or less water – start with less and add until you get a good cookie batter consistency

Steps:

1.  Preheat oven to 350 F.  Mix all ingredients except the water together.  Add the water after you have mixed all the other ingredients, a little at a time until you get a good cookie dough consistency.

2.  Grease 2 cookie sheets with butter or oil.  Make spoonfuls the size of tablespoons and plop them onto the cookie sheet, spacing them out so that you have about 12 to a sheet.  This batch makes about 16 cookies so you’ll need just part of the second cookie sheet.

3.  Bake for 12 minutes or until cooked through and a little crispy on the outside.  Remove from oven, let cool for about five minutes.  Then remove with a spatula and serve.  They remind me of Oatmeal Raisin cookies.  Yum!

Pear, Avocado, Almond and Coconut Butter Breakfast

It can be extremely difficult to give up certain foods you’re used to eating and depending on.  I have personally eaten eggs almost every day for the past “I don’t know how many” years.  I love eating them in the morning because they are easy to fix, don’t require defrosting or planning ahead, can hold me over all morning and are relatively inexpensive for a meal.  Then there is the whole “what the heck would I eat if I didn’t eat eggs” dilemma.

All of these reasons have kept me eating eggs, until up to about three weeks ago.  My belly had had enough.  I distinctly heard it say to me one day, “No More EGGS!”  Yikes!  What was I going to do?

Sigh.  Many people email me asking me for breakfast ideas, especially egg-free ones.  I have promised them a menu planner…soon.  I do have the Egg-Free GAPS Menu Planner available that has one breakfast idea for each week.

However, I have yet to deliver a complete list of recipes and/or menu planner for breakfast ideas that are free of eggs.  So, I don’t have a release date yet, but I am planning on compiling an e-book of egg-free breakfast ideas for people who feel just as lost as I do when I comes to facing breakfast in the morning on an egg-free diet. Hooray!

This morning my husband looked at my breakfast inquisitively.  He was obviously interested or maybe confused about what I was eating.  I told him it was avocado, pear, almonds and coconut butter.  He seemed a little impressed, but I don’t think he’s going egg-free anytime soon.

Here’s the recipe to my surprisingly filling breakfast:

Pear, Avocado, Almond and Coconut Butter Breakfast

1/2 avocado, cubed

1/2 ripe pear, cubed

1/4 cup almonds, soaked, dehydrated and chopped coarsely

2 Tbsp coconut butter at room temp. from Artisana

How to make it: Gently mix all the ingredients together and enjoy.

In the end, I had almost two helpings of this, but so far it has held me over and it’s just about lunch time as I write this.

List of Egg-Free Recipe Ideas (also grain, gluten and starch free)

So, I have been compiling a list of breakfast ideas for the egg-free diet.  I’m going to list it here and will link whenever possible.  In the meantime, I will begin working on compiling the recipes in e-book form and hope to have it available soon.  Release date to be announced! If you have more ideas, please feel free to list them in the comments or email me.

Dairy and non dairy:

• Almond milk – can also use cashews and other nuts or seeds
• Coconut milk
• Banana Milk
• Coconut yogurt
• Almond Crème
• Yogurt
• Kefir
• Yogurt Cheese (dripped yogurt)

Cereals and granola bars:

• Granola and Granola Bars
• Granola Bars – I use less than 1/4 cup honey and it is more like granola in the end
• Muesli
• Quick Nut Cereal:  1/2 cup any kind of nuts/seeds, finely chopped with your choice of milk
• Berry and Nut Breakfast Bars from Rawvolution by Matt Amsden

Bread and baked goods:

• Egg-free Almond Flour bread
• Egg-free Zucchini and Blueberry Muffins
• Fantastic Dunking Biscuits

Desserts for Breakfast

• Fruit Crumble – I have made this twice in the past couple of weeks and it’s great for breakfast
• Raw Strawberry Pie – I just found this and it looks delicious but I haven’t tried it yet
• Raw Carrot Cake
• No Bake Zucchini Cake – this was a little heavy on the flax – would use less flax next time
• Cinnamon Walnut Cookies – post coming soon!
• Raw Butternut Squash Cookies
• Shortbread

Fruit Salads

• Fruit Salad with Granola and Yogurt or Almond Crème
• Coconutty Fruit Salad
• Tropical Parfait

Smoothies:
(You can add hemp protein powder for extra protein, but I’m still trying to figure out of this is okay on GAPS)

• Blueberry Banana Coconut Smoothie
• Strawberry Almond Shake
• Sunburst Smoothie – orange juice, bananas, dates and ginger root
• Almond Lassi – almond milk, dates, cardamon and black pepper
• Raspberry cream – raspberries, avocados , banana, milk
• Cherry avocado smoothie
• Green smoothie –1/2 cup strawberries, 1/2 avocado, 2 cups spinach, coconut milk, water, honey to taste
• Kefir or yogurt smoothie

Meat:

• Sausage patties
• Left over meatloaf
• Sausage or bacon with sautéed zucchini, mushroom and onion
• Grass fed hotdogs
• Bacon – if you have a brand that is free of sugar, nitrates and preservatives, please share!
• BLT on Eggless almond bread or other bread
• Cauliflower Bacon Hash

Wraps:

• Mexican breakfast burrito – cabbage wrap with sautéed turkey and veggies and salsa
• Italian breakfast burrito – cabbage wrap with ground turkey, beef or chicken, artichoke hearts, pesto, cheese, spinach

Ferments:

• Sauerkraut – I NEVER would have thought I’d be eating sauerkraut for breakfast but I love it
• Yogurt or Kefir
• Kombucha

Soup and leftovers for breakfast:

Besides all of these ideas for grain-free and egg-free breakfast ideas, I rely on having soup for breakfast quite often.  This is how I have been getting my daily cup of broth by cooking a chopped zucchini, some onion and a cup or so of broth in a pan.  I blend everything up once it’s cooked and it feels so nourishing in my belly. 

I also eat leftovers from dinner quite often when I’m in a hurry. Sometimes I mix it with some yogurt, depending on what it is. 

Well, I guess you can say this is simply an opportunity to be creative in the morning when you jump out of bed!  I hope these ideas help you if you’re egg-free and need some breakfast ideas for the morning.

And, I’d love to hear from you!  Any more egg-free breakfast ideas you can think of?  Would love to hear about them.  Thanks!

For the times I don’t read reviews and make a really informed choice before handing over my cash, I do sometimes end up with something I am not extremely happy about.  Last winter I bought a Cuisinart Quick Prep stick blender from Sear’s and I thought it would do the job.  My old one had been recently retired and I didn’t realize at the the time that stick blenders are not created equal!

Here is a picture of the stick blender that I have.  First of all I should have followed my intuition and purchased a blender with metal around the blade because I use the blender for blending up soups and have been steering away from using plastic.  But for whatever reason, I purchased this one.

The other thing that simply does not thrill me about this blender is that bits of food constantly get stuck inside the little holes around the base of the “blade shield.”  I can’t really blend up pea soup or plum smoothies without a mess of unblended food getting stuck in these holes.  This results in having to bang the stick blender against the pot or cup numerous times before it eventually gets blended.  And sometimes, even then, it is not as smooth as I’d like it.

So!  I have decided to take up CSN’s offer for me to review one of their products so that I can try out a new stick blender.  So, keep an eye out for a review of a different stick blender!

By the way, if you don’t have a stick blender, please consider buying one.  They make your life in the kitchen so much easier (when you have a good one).  Some of them even have an attachment for chopping nuts as well as whisking liquids.  I find it so much easier to pull out the stick blender than the food processor or counter blender for smaller jobs.  And it’s great to use for creaming soups because you don’t have to transfer the hot liquid to a blender – which can be somewhat dangerous.

A couple of weeks ago our tomatoes were booming, so I made a batch of homemade tomato sauce.  It didn’t last long and it was delicious.  There is truly nothing like fresh home grown tomatoes and sauce!

I decided to leave it “chunky” but you could blend it up after it’s cooked if you want a smoother sauce.  Or you could blend up half and leave the other half chunky.

So here’s my recipe:

Homemade Tomato Sauce (sugar-free)

1 Tbsp. olive oil or coconut oil

1 whole onion

10-12 tomatoes ( used part plum and “round” tomatoes – don’t know what these are called)

1 tsp dried oregano

1 tsp dried marjoram

1tsp dried or 2-3 Tbsp. fresh parsley

1/3 cup freshly chopped basil

1 tsp paprika

1 tsp honey

2-3 Tbsp balsamic vinegar (optional) This is not GAPS -friendly but you can use 1-2 Tbsp lemon juice or apple cider vinegar in combination with a little honey.

2-4 cloves garlic, to taste – minced

1 tsp salt or more to taste

black pepper to taste

Steps:

1. If you don’t like tomato peels in your sauce, you’ll either want to peel them or dump them into boiling for a minute or so.  Drain the water and then let cool.  The skins should peel right off.  I don’t mind the skins so I skipped this step.
2. Chop the onion and then saute in the olive oil in a large saucepan over medium heat.  Stir occasionally and reduce heat if they begin to burn.  Cook for 8-10 minutes or until soft and translucent.
3. You can chop the tomatoes up or you can just plop them into the pot with the onions.  I do the latter and then cut them up coarsely with a spatula.  It’s up to you how chunky you like your sauce.  Add the herbs, salt and pepper, balsamic or apple cider vinegar, paprika, and garlic.  Let cook over medium-low heat for 20 or so minutes, or until the tomatoes are cooked through the flavors begin to meld.  When it is almost done, add the honey so that it doesn’t get cooked, and the fresh basil leaves.  Taste and adjust seasonings to your liking.
4. Enjoy with gluten-free pasta, zucchini noodles, spaghetti squash or cook it down and blend for pizza sauce.  We ended up adding it to almost any dish we were eating because it was so yummy.

One of our meals last week was a delicious Roasted Chicken with herbs and lemon as well as Cold Beet Salad, Sauerkraut and Garden Tomato and Basil Salad.  The three salads looked so beautiful together, I couldn’t help but take a picture.  And they tasted great together as well.  The beet and tomato salads are very easy while the sauerkraut takes some time and effort, but all were very delicious.  So I thought I’d share the Beet and Tomato salads with you today and keep the Sauerkraut for another day…

Garden Tomato and Basil Salad

Garden tomatoes – as many as you’d like, chopped up into medium sized chunks

Fresh basil, chopped – about 1/4 cup to 2-3 large tomatoes

Dressing: About 1/3 vinegar to 2/3 olive oil  (you can play with the proportions – I usually don’t measure but simply pour onto the tomatoes)

Apple Cider Vinegar or Balsamic Vinegar (not GAPS friendly)

Olive oil

Salt and pepper, freshly cracked, to taste

Mix all ingredients together and enjoy.  You can chill ahead of time and the flavors will mingle together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold Beet Salad

4-5 beets, peeled, cut into chunks and steamed until tender, chilled

Fresh mint, chopped – about 1/4 cup (I actually didn’t add mint this time but it is very good with the beets)

Same dressing as above for the tomato salad

Mix all ingredients together and enjoy.

For the beets, you will need to chill them before serving.  Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope you enjoy these simply delicious summer recipes for these really hot days we’re having!

This recipe does require a dehydrator so if you don’t have one, you may be able to bake the mixture at about 300 degrees F until it is crisp.  You may want to put it on parchment paper or just grease the pan very well.  You’ll also want to make the mixture quite thin on the pan.  This does kill the beneficial enzymes in the nuts and seeds but it is an option if you don’t have a dehydrator.

I did make some adjustments to the recipe, simply due to not having dates, lemon, pumpkin seeds or vanilla.  But here is the original recipe as well as my adjustments.  For me, it made two  full sheets of granola on the Excalibur dehydrating sheets which later fit almost into two quart sized jars (one is already gone…)

Raw Nut Granola (egg-free, dairy-free, grain-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, soy-free)

Makes approx 10 cups

1        apple chopped
1 ½  cup date paste (some dates soaked in a little boiling water and then whiz in the food processor until a paste is formed) I used figs for this because I didn’t have dates on hand
½      cup honey, preferably raw
2         Tbsp lemon juice – I used 4 Tbsp fresh squeezed orange juice
1         Tbsp vanilla extract (optional) – left out, still tasty
1         tsp cinnamon
½      tsp salt
½      cup sunflower seeds soaked 2 hours or more
2        cups almonds soaked 4 hours or more
3        cups pecans soaked 2 hours or more
1        cup pumpkin seed soaked 2 hours or more – used additional 1 cup sunflower seeds
1        cup dried cranberries or currants or sultanas – I left these out because I am avoiding raisins

1. In a food processor whiz apple, date paste or soaked figs, honey, lemon or orange juice, vanilla, cinnamon, salt and the sunflower seeds to make paste.  Transfer to a bowl
2. Add to the food processor, remaining sunflower seeds, almonds, pecans, pumpkin seeds (don’t bother rinsing bowl). Coarsely chop in a few quick pulses.  Add nuts and seeds to the bowl with fruit paste.  Mix well
3. Spread onto baking paper or dehydrator sheets and place in dehydrator at 115 F for 8 hours.
4. Flip the granola over and peel away the paper
5. Dehydrate another 12 hours until crunchy.
6. Break into pieces and once cooled store in the fridge in glass containers.  Enjoy as Raw Granola Bars or Raw Granola – just break up into smaller pieces for granola.

Yummy!

Nut-free? I don’t see why you couldn’t make this and simply use all pumpkin and sunflower seeds in place of the nuts.  You could also use 1/3 dessicated coconut and I am sure it would be yummy!

This pizza tastes like summer!  Enjoy!

Zucchini and Basil Pizza with Almond Flour Pizza Crust (gluten-free, grain-free and yeast-free)
Adapted from: Breaking the Vicious Cycle by
Elaine Gottschall

Ingredients:
Crust:
2      eggs (EGG-FREE:  2 Tbsp flax meal combined with 6 Tbsp. hot water)
2      cups blanched almond flour, or more as needed to make a stiff and not sticky dough
2      tsp olive oil
1/2  tsp garlic powder or 1-2 cloves of garlic
1      tsp honey
1      tsp salt
2    tsp dried herbs, such as basil, thyme and oregano
(optional)
Sauce:
8      oz. Bionaturae strained tomatoes
1-2   Tbsp. Bionaturae tomato paste
1 tsp. Italian seasoning or a mix of basil, oregano,
marjoram and parsley
1/4  tsp. garlic powder, to taste
1      tsp. honey
salt and pepper to taste

Toppings:
1/2   onion, diced

1-2   zucchinis, cut into half moon slices

1/3  cup chopped fresh basil

grated cheese (optional)

Steps:
1.  Preheat oven to 350 F.  Beat the eggs in a medium mixing bowl.  Add the other ingredients for the crust and stir.  If mixture does not easily form a ball, add more flour by the tablespoon.

2.  Grease a pizza pan or cookie sheet, and sprinkle some of the flour on as well.  Place the ball of dough in the middle of the pan and squish it out into the shape you want.  It should be about 1/4 inch thick.

3.  Bake the crust for about 20 minutes at 350 degrees, until it is lightly browned and no longer wet.
While crust is baking, saute the onions in olive oil over medium heat until they are soft, about 5-10 minutes.  Then add the zucchinis and saute for 8 or so minutes until cooked through but not mushy.   Combine the sauce ingredients together in a bowl or pan.  Chop up the basil.

4.  Take crust out of the oven and top with sauce and other toppings, and return to oven for 5-10 minutes, or long enough for toppings to heat up and cheese to melt if you are using cheese.

Coconut Vanilla Ice Cream - Dairy, Egg and Sugar Free

It’s summer and we all love ice cream, right?  The best dairy-free and sugar-free vanilla ice cream I’ve found is this one.  It is really delicious, both with the lavendar and without.  It is creamy and smooth and freezes well.  However, it is quite a bit of work so I don’t always feel like making it.  It also has eggs in it so for people who can’t eat eggs, it won’t work for them.

So I set out this past week with the goal to come up with a very easy vanilla ice cream.  While it’s not quite a creamy, it is still delicious and very vanilla-y.

GAPS note:  I did use canned coconut milk for this recipe and used Trader Joes’ brand which doesn’t have guar gum in it.  However, I still only use this at the most once a week because of the BPA in the cans.  This is the only canned good I still rely on besides sardines and fish at times.  For those of you who are staying away from all canned goods, you can try making this ice cream with your own homemade coconut milk.  There are a few recipes floating around but here one of mine:

Homemade Coconut Milk

Ingredients:
1     box “Let’s Do Organic” Creamed Coconut (you can find it in the baking section in health food stores in a small green box)
14   oz. filtered water

Steps:
1.  Bring 14 oz. of filtered water to a boil, then turn off heat.  Add the creamed coconut from the bag.  Stir until well combined.  You can use less or more water depending upon the consistency you want.  It will have the coconut meat in it so if you want a smoother coconut milk, put the creamed coconut through a strainer.

So now onto the Coconut Vanilla Ice Cream Recipe!  (Dairy-free, sugar-free and egg-free)

1 can or 1 1/2 cups coconut milk

3 Tbsp raw honey

1 fresh vanilla bean, cut in half, lengthwise, and then scraped out

Steps:

1.  Scrape out the insides of the vanilla bean and add it to the coconut milk and honey in a small pan.  Heat on the stove gently on low, stirring constantly, just until the honey is melted and combined into the coconut milk.

2.  Let cool completely and then add mixture to your ice cream maker, following the directions on your ice cream maker.

It took ours less than 15 minutes to freeze through and it was yummy.  Enjoy!

Sauerkraut

This week I had somewhat of a spontaneous “traditional foods cook day” for our family.  When I cook for clients as a personal chef, I call it a “cook day”, so this is where the term comes from.  It all came about when I decided to finally catch up on making sauerkraut and broth, both of which have been somewhat ignored since moving into our new house.

I also had to make tea for kombucha, our weekly yogurt and finish off packaging the soaked and dehydrated nuts I’d made over the weekend.  I had some time while Elijah slept so I got to work!

I have never made all my ferments and other traditional food items in this way – I usually just spread out making these type of foods over the week.  But it actually turned out really well and I got a lot done.

I ended up making the following:

• Lacto-fermented Sauerkraut with carrots and caraway seeds (followed recipe in Nourishing Traditions without the whey and added grated carrots)
• Chicken broth (let cook for almost 24 hours)
• Kombucha
• SCD/GAPS goat yogurt (we go through about 3-4 quarts of this a week so I make it about twice a week)
• Soaked and dehydrated sunflower seeds, almonds and walnuts

I’m so looking forward to having sauerkraut again.  My husband loves it and eats it a lot whenever I do make it.  But I haven’t made it for quite some time because of all the work with the house.  I bought some Bubbies to tide us over but my husband even thought the homemade was better.  But I did end up using the leftover juice from the Bubbies container to help it a long with the fermentation process.

It feels so nice to have all of the “staples” caught up!

As for our meals the past week, here is our allergen-friendly, GAPS/SCD compliant menu un-plan the past week:

• Summer Pizza with Zucchinis and Basil – used blanched almond flour for the crust
• Zucchini Soup with chicken broth
• Cabbage Wrap Tacos (I make this every week now because Elijah loves it)
• Vanilla Ice Cream (Yum!) (Dairy-free, sugar-free, and egg-free)
• Barbecued Chicken Kabobs
• Cabbage, onion and carrot saute
• Berry Popsicles – (used Wardeh’s idea to use ice cube trays)
• Garden Omelet for breakfast with fresh tomatoes and basil
• Coconut Bread
• Zucchini Crust “Pizza” (was more like a casserole but we loved it)
• Cauliflower Zucchini Soup
• Savory Turkey Meatloaf
• Butternut Squash Soup

Here are some pictures of some of the items above, and I’ll be writing blog posts this week about some of the recipes…

Garden Pizza with almond flour pizza crust

Coconut Vanilla Ice Cream - Dairy, Egg and Sugar Free

Berry Juice Popsicles

I am submitting this (late again) as part of the Tuesday Twister Carnival at GNOWFGLINS.com.  Be sure to check out the other great real food blog posts this week.  Enjoy!

Deep in my heart I always knew that life was about being happy.  And yet, it seemed like the most illusive thing to me for so many years of my life.  I may have appeared happy on the outside.  I became quite good at putting on a show by appearing happy.  But inside, I felt like I was always on an infinite search for peace and happiness within my heart.  At times I felt like I found it through certain things like creating artwork, dancing and other things I enjoyed.

However, it never lasted.  Life seemed like an endless mountain to be climbed.  I would finally reach one peak, find some joy within my heart, only to be crushed by another plummet into depression.

I talked about some of these ups and downs in this post, and now I am finally writing the follow up story of what happened postpartum.  You may also be interested in this post about all the changes that have occurred while on the GAPS diet.

I will share that the main reason why I am writing this is because I can’t help but share my experience, no matter how hard it is to share it.  It’s one of those things you don’t really want to do, but you feel like there is an invisible string, tugging at your heart, telling you to keep going or doing whatever you’re meant to do in this world.

And some of these things are hard to do.  But it’s for a reason.  I believe we are all meant to help each other in some way.  Even in just small ways.  It doesn’t have to be a huge and giant undertaking.

So, enough with the stalling.

The experiences that transpired in my life after I gave birth to my son are some of the hardest I have ever been through in my life.  What seemed hard before birth now seems like a walk in the park, not to say that all those years of feeling hopeless and depressed weren’t difficult.

Because it was so difficult, I didn’t share it with many people; not until I actually started finding answers (so typical of me, to be so self-reliant).  So many of my family members don’t know the extent to the difficulties we faced as a family the first year or so of Elijah’s life.  And the doctors who I visited never got the full run down because I felt so bad about the situation – namely, I blamed myself.

There is a quote that goes something like, “When things get difficult, keep going.  You are on the edge of breakthrough.”  I don’t know the source and I don’t even think the words are correct, but it was what kept me going on the days I felt like life was falling apart.  Turns out, it was true, for which I am very grateful.

To follow up on my last post just prior to pregnancy, this is where I will start.

The main thing I will focus on in this post will be concerned about the episodes that I began to have postpartum where I went completely crazy for a few minutes a time.  I had other difficulties postpartum, but they seem somewhat tame compared to the crazy episodes where I turned into a monster.

Within a week after giving birth, I had signs of postpartum depression; basically the “normal” feelings of being sad and not having a good reason for it.  I remember looking around our extremely messy house and starting to cry.  During the next several months the sadness came and went but I don’t ever remember feeling really happy during this time like I would have expected to feel with a new baby.

Within eight weeks, my depression and mood swings progressed into times when I felt out of control with frustration and anger.  The first few times were somewhat mild.  One time I got frustrated about something (probably breastfeeding) and kicked over the rocking stool in front of the rocking chair with my computer on it.  It kind of came out of the blue and I was confused why I did this.

Mostly I would just kick things uncontrollably, every once in a while when I was frustrated.  But it was quick and passing.  Brief enough that it just seemed strange.  I wrote an email to my midwife and told her I was kicking things, was unhappy and didn’t know what to do.  But when she came and visited me, the “happy and bright me” was out and everything seemed fine so she never really got the full story.  She thought I was “fine” because that is what I led her to believe.

When I started back to work cooking as a personal chef, this added to my stress.  I was still waking several times a night to breastfeed.  I was also not getting enough to eat because of my limited diet.  (At about 9 or 10 weeks, I cut out dairy, eggs, soy, spicy foods, gassy veggies and other foods out of my diet because Elijah was colicky.  This helped with the colic but I wasn’t getting enough to eat because I didn’t know what to eat.)

I don’t remember exactly when the first major “rage spell” happened but it was sometime within the first three months of Elijah’s life.  I don’t remember why but I started to get completely frustrated and felt very uncoordinated when I was trying to get some food out of the fridge.  I had Elijah in my arms but part of me wasn’t even aware he was there.

I started to “lose it” and for what ever reason, I took my frustration out on the vegetable crisper drawer.  I basically started kicking it and didn’t stop until it was in pieces.  (Now, if you know me personally, this may completely shocking to you.  I seem rather even-tempered, don’t you think?)

Then I ran up stairs (I think I handed Elijah off to my husband) and threw myself in the bedroom in tears.

Part of me was in shock that I could do something like that; another part of me was still steaming with rage and another part of me wanted to ball.  I usually ended up in tears after one of my “freak out” episodes, from the sheer frustration of not knowing why this was happening and feeling so out of control in my life.  I would also go back to being very depressed after one of these “manic” episodes.

These episodes would usually just come out of the blue or sometimes in the middle of the night when Elijah kept waking me up.  I would be feeling pretty okay, and then something would set me off and I suddenly found myself punching the daylights out of something close at hand.  Luckily they were all inanimate objects like the microwave, a wicker bathroom basket, a wooden dish drainer, tea boxes, and other odd items.

These fits didn’t happen every day, and although I didn’t count them, it seemed as though they happened a few times a month for most of the first year of Elijah’s life.  They got worse when Elijah was teething and waking more frequently or if I was working more than I could really handle.

I always had the feeling during these “freak outs” that I was completely out of control.  I also felt completely uncoordinated.  It was like having a new pair of hands that really didn’t belong to me that were doing all sorts of things that I really didn’t want to do but couldn’t help myself.  And I was extremely angry for no reason.  The episodes would usually end by me screaming at my husband to help me, to do something, anything.  He would be holding Elijah to keep him safe from the things I was throwing around the house.

I felt like another person watching a complete lunatic.  Yet it was me, yelling, screaming and throwing stuff, and I was at a great loss as to what to do because I felt such shame about the whole thing.

The worst part of it was how I felt I was harming Elijah by him seeing me in such distress.  I never physically took my anger and frustration out on him or my husband but I felt like I was hurting him by acting this way.

When Elijah was about 6 months, I started doing research about depression and food allergies.  I was still eating wheat (even though I knew I was allergic to it) and one day when I went over- board on eating some home made bread, I felt utterly hopeless and depressed the next day.  I finally (after years of feeling this way) made the connection and felt I had found a big piece to the puzzle.  I stopped eating wheat and also started testing other grains like oatmeal and rye.  I seemed to also react to those as well so I went gluten free.

I thought that going gluten free was the answer.  But I think I was just trying to convince myself that I was doing better.  Sleep deprivation continued and during the fall of 2008 when Elijah was almost a year old, I thought I was going to completely lose it if I didn’t get a good night’s sleep.

The problem was I couldn’t go back to sleep after Elijah woke me in the middle of the night anymore.  It seemed as though the chemicals in my brain that helped with this had been shorted out and I just couldn’t sleep normally any longer.  My chiropractor gave me some “neural transmitter support” supplements, which actually worked like a charm. I could actually sleep again. This helped me to get back on track and eventually I went off of the supplements.

Also, the freak-outs didn’t go away.  During the Christmas of 2008, I experienced more episodes where I ended up either very depressed or freaking out like a crazy monster.

We moved to a larger city the spring of 2009.  We had been living in a very small town which had made life even more difficult in terms of getting the kinds of foods I needed, etc.  Moving ended up being one of the best decisions we made during Elijah’s first couple of years.  Life became easier just because of this one change in our lives.

However, I was still looking for answers.  After we moved I had another freak episode within a month or so of moving (this time it was the microwave that took the brunt of it – luckily my husband was able to fix it).  At this point, it had been happening long enough that I finally asked for some help from a teacher/friend.  She suggested B-vitamins and eating as regularly as possible.  She also pointed out that I needed more “me time.”  All of these things, along with living in a larger city, seemed to help a lot.

Summer of 2009 was a lot better, though not perfect.  Elijah still wasn’t sleeping though the night at 18 months and I do remember having some crazy nights with him.  In general, I think I was still quick to frustrate which I would often direct towards my husband, showing up mostly as nagging and blaming.  Another thing is I had a rash on my hand which I assumed was from Candida overgrowth.

During September of 2009, I was contacted by someone who asked me if I could do menu planning for a specific diet called GAPS, which stands for Gut and Psychology Syndrome.  I checked out the diet and told her it was similar to the limited diet menu planner I had been planning on creating.

I went on vacation to the beach.  At the time I was eating gluten free, but starting to steer more towards whole grains and grain-free instead of a lot of refined gluten free starches.  But I was also still eating some sugar and plenty of starchy veggies like potatoes and sweet potatoes.

I returned from vacation and was contacted by the GAPS lady once again.  She told me that the diet was starting to help her.  She had previously not been able to eat chicken and could now eat it.  Symptoms started clearing up and she said she could actually think straight. Before, she had difficulty even carrying on a conversation with people and now she could actually focus on the conversation.  All of this intrigued me and I looked at the GAPS site again more closely.

I realized that this diet was also largely based on traditional foods like nourishing meat stocks, fermented vegetables and dairy, and whole, unadulterated real foods.  These are all things I loved so I became more and more interested in the diet.  What intrigued me the most was that the diet aims to heal the gut lining, which in turn helps to heal the mind.  (The science behind this diet is really too in-depth for me to write about here – if you’re interested in learning more about it, please read this book:   Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride.)

I read the testimonials and was astounded at the changes that people have experienced through implementing this diet.  I was basically sold.  I am a very believing person by nature, and since many of the symptoms my son and I had been having were described as possible symptoms on the GAPS site, I decided to give it a go.

I ordered the books and didn’t jump in right away, but within a few weeks, I was grain, sugar and starch free.  Because my son had colic, food allergies, slow weight gain, prolonged night-wakings, and at times aggressive behavior, I decided to put him on the diet at well.  I thought it would be easier if we were eating the same things anyway.  As for my husband, he slowly adjusted to eating GAPS dinners but still eats non-GAPS foods at work.  It took a while to find replacements for the things that Elijah and I love to eat but we eventually adapted.

It wasn’t overnight that I started feeling better.  I started having “die-off” reactions after eliminating starches and grains from my diet.  I was also taking coconut oil, which can also create die-off.  There were days I felt awful, like I had been hit by a truck or like I was getting the flu.  Then it would clear up in a day or so and I would feel better.  One time it lasted 3-4 days where I felt like I had every possible symptom I’ve ever had.  After it cleared, I remember feeling like an onion whose skins had been pulled away.

I slowly started feeling better more often and eating the GAPS way got easier.  I started having more energy; I started feeling happy for no reason.  I was even-tempered and was able to focus on my work in a way that had previously been impossible.  I was excited about life again.  I was inspired!  I was no longer anxious for no reason.  My digestion was slower to respond but is now better than it’s been for a long time.

My life with Elijah became much easier.  Keep in mind we started the diet a few months before his 2 year old birthday.  When I told my doctor that things were easier now that he was two, this spoke volumes to both her and to me about how the diet had started to help us.  Oh, and he started sleeping through the night consistently which was a god-send.

I simply felt a lot more patient and Elijah was more relaxed too. Instead of having struggles on a day to day basis, we started actually having peaceful days without any major events.

Even now that Elijah is 2 ½ and he has a temper tantrum about something he wants but can’t have, it is much easier for me to handle this than a year ago.  Because I am even-minded most of the time, I feel much stronger and able to deal with his tantrums.

I also notice that my emotions are much more appropriate.  Before I would fly off the handle because of something very small and my frustrations wouldn’t be very appropriate.  Now, instead of just feeling sad or frustrated for no good reason, I feel these things when it’s actually appropriate to feel them.  I also don’t get lost in the emotion like I used to and it doesn’t stick around as long.

Oh, and yes, no more crazy rageful manic episodes where I feel out of control.  The last one I had was actually after I started GAPS, but I accidentally tasted some goat’s milk.  I was going to make yogurt, and didn’t think a little bit of milk would affect me.

Within a couple hours I started feeling like my head wasn’t on straight and I started getting anal about everything.  I also felt wired like I had drank coffee and couldn’t calm myself down.  At the end of the day, Elijah dumped a dozen eggs I had cracked into a bowl onto the floor.  I looked at it and my eyes just bugged out and I thought I was going to lose it.  At least I had the ability to call my husband inside to help clean it up.  I tried to help but those crazy, uncoordinated hands returned.  I couldn’t do anything without making a mess or throwing stuff around the house so I stormed upstairs.  Lesson learned:  lactose makes Sarah nuts.  (The yogurt I make on the GAPS diet is fermented 24 hours so that the lactose is eaten up by the good bacteria.)

In general I am just happy.  I realize now this is how we are meant to feel, and it isn’t about having lots of money, having the right job, or anything else.  It’s just about being happy in this life, and then from that happiness, creating a life that reflects your heart’s desires.

I tried getting happy in so many ways throughout my teenage years and my twenties.  There is a part of me that wonders what life would have been like for me if I had gone on this diet a long time ago.  Of course I can’t dwell on the past.  But it does motivate me to share and help people who may be going through similar situations that I have been in.  In short, I can’t keep my mouth shut any longer.

If there is one thing I believe, I believe that food affects us on more levels than just physical.  It reaches into the confines of the emotional, mental as well as spiritual realms.  I am and many other people are living proof of this.  I feel as though this is now a gift that God has given me, even though for so long, I felt like it was a curse I was living.

Since I posted my last blog post, I received some feedback from a family member that I may be Bipolar or manic depressive.  I have to confess I don’t go to regular doctors very often and I’ve never been diagnosed with these disorders.  However, after doing some reading and reflecting, I do believe it’s possible I’ve been Bipolar for quite some time and didn’t know it.

To me, while diagnoses may be nice to have, it’s not vital to my recovery at this point because I found the GAPS diet.  I am very grateful for it, I can’t even begin to really express it.  It’s not easy for me to put this blog post up on my website – I stalled doing it for many months.  But like I said, I just can’t stay silent about this.  Up until less than a year ago, my symptoms affected me on so many levels of my life from the physical to the spiritual to the financial.  Now that my life has completely changed, simply from following the GAPS diet , I cannot help but share.

I know – this diet is hard to be on.  Many people can’t imagine eliminating all grains, sugars, starchy vegetables, hydrogenated oils and all canned and processed foods from their diet.

But if you can’t imagine not eating these foods, maybe for a moment you can imagine what life would be like if you were even-minded, happy, energetic, and healthy every day?

Believe me.  It’s worth it.  Life is worth it.  And above all, our children are worth it.